I have been thinking a lot about people pleasing lately. So, I did what I do best and pulled a few cards. This is what tarot had to say about people pleasing:
Why do we do it? 10 of cups. Emotional safety is first and foremost on my mind. My eye was drawn to the happy family on the card and the answer deepens into maintaining the status quo of the family unit or friend groups . We do it to avoid conflict and promote peace between all parties. We do it to keep everyone happy. We do it to make the illusion of maintaining peace without conflict a reality. In truth, conflict is unavoidable and the belief itself is a fantasy. The 10 of cups is represented by Mars in Pisces and speaks directly to this. Sharing how we really feel can be akin to journeying into unknown territory. However, through taking action into that unknown and trusting ourselves, we realize that people pleasing is not the only option. Another important thing to remember is that the 10 of cups is the last numbered card in the cups suit. It tells us that this peace is attained through the journey of the cups suit and the integration of its’ lessons. Emotional peace comes after the test of the suit and all the other ups and downs. Conflict, while undesirable, is central to attaining this state in a way that is true to ourselves..
What keeps us in the pattern? Five of swords. The fear that people will be closed off and maybe even aggressive towards what you have to share and the pain that brings. Venus in Aquarius keeps people at harms length. We do this to protect ourselves and the relationship from what we really feel. Conflict, especially with those closest to us, does not feel good and for that reason we endeavor to avoid it. We see the fantasy here too. The belief that if we engage in conflict and share how we really feel, we will be abandoned and chaos will ensue. While that may have happened in the past, it does not mean it will happen every time. Another thing I want to mention here is resentment. After staying quiet for so long to the point where it feels like we will burst, conflict feels imminent.
How can we work through it? King of wands. The fist thing that came to mind when I pulled this card was confidence. Kings are represented by air and this king in particular holds aspects of Cancer and Leo as well. Putting all of the astrology gibberish together, we have a person who is able to harness their emotions and passions in a wise and intentional way. Most importantly, and what I find to be the answer, is having confidence in our ability to communicate how we feel in a calm and measured way. So how do we do that? Kings are strategic and a good strategy is exactly what we require. Having a strategy of what we want to say and how (maybe even rehearsing it in the mirror beforehand) can help lower anxiety. I hear what you are thinking: “what if they do/say xyz?” Write out all that they could possibly say and a grounded answer to it. The answers will act as your go-to phrases to have just in case. The more you are able to communicate with people authentically, the more confident you will feel doing it. Having a strategy tailored to our specific fears can help us overcome our instinct to people please and communicate in a way that is true to ourselves.
I find that when I am able to express how someone has made me feel and why, I’m able to reach an understanding with them more easily. The go-to phrases act as a safety net that I rarely need. It is still an uncomfortable and vulnerable experience, but I feel more understood and less anxious.
*An important note here is that I am not talking about engaging in conflict with people who are aggressive, narcissistic, abusive, and otherwise. Use your own discernment to determine who is a safe person to share your authentic feelings with.
